Owing to the recent hooha in Mexico, we had to cancel our honeymoon. It was mightily annoying and we wept as though Diana had died anew. However, after much toing, froing, bickering and cajoling, I’ve no sorted us out a trip to Thailand and Bali over the same dates, so we’ll be leaving on Tuesday, for our last-minute, panic-bought Far Eastern jaunt.

Obviously these have somewhat put the kibosh on our proposed wedding list, but the general gist is about the same. Except:

New Honeymoon hours are £5.
Which is cheaper. So woo!

Will add a bit more later. Maybe.

Ooh look! Bali…

Amandari

Lady Amanda Cudham, Chairwoman and Benefactress of Cudham Riding Club, died tragically last week, following a fall from her horse. This is a great blow to the Club, where she will be much missed. I am sure all members would like to join me in offering our deepest sympathy to all her family and friends. The Riding Club was of enormous importance to Lady Amanda, and the best mark of respect we can pay her is to ensure that her club continues to thrive. We need to elect a new Chairwoman without delay. Please forward nominations to the Club Secretary as soon as possible, so we can arrange a date for the election. I have no doubt that we will soon find someone worthy of following in Amanda’s footsteps.

Costume tips: female
Equestrian women are renowned for looking and smelling like the horses they spend almost all their time with. Make-up should emphasise every straight line your face has, and dark eye shadow and false eyelashes both help the horsification process. Attaching lots of flora to yourself is a good way of saying, “I may not have bothered to shower, but I’m still making a jolly big effort.” Dress like the Queen or Camilla Parker-Bowles, and you can’t go wrong. Headscarves and gloves are good; twin-sets are excellent; pearls are a must. Pink is a colour that can’t be improved upon. Hacking jackets and jodphurs are a brave choice; pink hacking jackets and pink jodphurs a remarkable choice. Older women should dress like younger women, younger women should dress like older women, hair should be rigid enough to resist high winds and chiffon is compulsory for the over-80s.

Costume tips: male
For men who wish to be part of the horsy set, the basic fashion tip is: if it doesn’t work, wear it. Upper class twits, Prince Charles and Prince Philip are all invaluable role models. Jackets should always be too tight, buttoned all the way up, and brown. Trousers can either be brown and spectacularly untailored, or else too loud even for a golf course. Tweeds and corduroy blend in with anything, and blazers are fine as long as they are double-breasted, blue and worn with a dashing cravat. A handkerchief in a top pocket, a bright yellow shirt, cuff links, a tie pin, an old school tie, brown brogues: these are all highly desirable, but don’t feel obliged to wear a bowler hat. After all, you won’t want to look silly. If you want to play it mostly safe, stick to black DJ, but show some courage in your choice of bowtie. Pink will help you blend in nicely with the ladies, and lime green and purple should both attract some attention. You are trying to look like the product of 500 years of in-breeding. Bad is good.

We’ll publish details of the new holiday once we know where we’re going.

Bad 80s murder ballads  aside, news reaches me from the Riverside Hotel in Monmouth, that they still have oodles of rooms free for the weekend of 8–10 May (which, coincidentally, is the weekend of my wiving). They’re only £49 a night (breakfast extra, natch) and are not-all-that-hideous-at-all-really-all-things-considered. I spoke to the lovely Katherine on the front desk, who was so very lovely and helpful, I contemplated marrying her instead.

The hotel’s excellently located for Treowen (13-minute taxi ride, by my guesstimation), and is under new management, which hopefully means they’ve binned the pelmets. Not only that, but if you stay there you might get to meet the loveliest person in Wales (Charlotte Church excepted).

Anthony

PS Katherine, I’m sorry. Despite your protestations, my heart belongs to another.

I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do with my time when the wedding is over.  There’s going to be a huge gap to fill (any ideas welcome – flower arranging, parkour, line dancing, tattooing etc).  I feel like I’ve been planning it my entire life.

And with this I have become my worst nightmare.  I’m completely consumed by this wedding.  I’ve gone from thinking that they are slightly boring to being obsessed, talking endlessly about it and regularly looking at photos of other people’s weddings, even those I don’t know.  I keep telling myself that it’s one day, it’ll be over in an instant.  So what if the table centre pieces don’t look perfect, that the music played isn’t loud enough, that not everyone will be able to sit down during the ceremony?  They’re all little aspects of one great big thing that will happen happily and inevitably despite the weather, the lack of decorations or my hair being out of place: we’ll be married.

So I continue to remind myself of this, trying to put things into perspective.  Then I experience other people planning their own weddings and realise what a bit deal it really is to some.  I set out to be original with my ideas and approach and have inadvertently ended up being like everyone else.  Oh the shame.  And the closer it gets to the ‘big day’ (oh pleeeease, what a phrase) the worse I’m going to get, I’m sure.  Bridezilla eat your heart out (and the groom’s, guests’ and caterer’s).  Shoot me if at any point you hear me say anything like “No!  I said the fucking doves were to be released AFTER I threw the bouquet, you poor excuse of a human being!”  Ta.

Jx

If you’re feeling rather brave and considering camping, John the owner of Treowen has informed us that people are allowed to camp in the grounds.  They charge £12 per tent per night.  Please let us know if you would like to do this.  You crazy people.